Doug Cooper Spencer

They had been standing on the platform waiting for a train the night they first met.  The fragrance of the man’s cologne caught Cliff’s attention and he asked the man about it.  The man’s name was Tye and he said the fragrance was called Vetiver.

The two of them continued to talk that night as they waited for the train and Cliff was drawn to Tye’s polite manner.  Finally the train arrived and they got on as they continued their conversation.  It was small talk: the weather, the city, then back to Vetiver.  Cliff asked where he could find the cologne and Tye told him it was an oil that he got from his barber. 

The train arrived at Tye’s stop.  “This is my stop,” Tye said.  He and Cliff shook hands.  “I’ll see you around.”

The following week Cliff made it his business to be on the same platform at the same time. He looked around to see if he could find Tye, but he had no luck.  For the next two nights he came to the platform but still he didn’t see him.

It wasn’t until later that spring, as he came down to catch a train that Cliff saw Tye again.  Tye told Cliff he had been hoping to see him because he had purchased a bottle of the oil just for him.  But he said now he didn’t have the oil with him.

“Maybe tomorrow?  We can meet up someplace.”

“Damn.  Man, I opened it and started using it for myself,” Tye said.  “But look.  I’m going for a haircut Saturday.  If you trust my barber, we can go together and I’ll buy you a bottle.”

That Saturday they met up at the barbershop and then went out to lunch.  And that was how they met seventeen and a half years ago.

Now Cliff raised his head as he remembered that night.  The fragrance from the garden came through the back window. Tye had planted the garden near the window just for him, just so Cliff would always remember the fragrance and that night.

Mrs. Dunphy came into the room.  “Are you hungry?”

Cliff took another deep breath, and told her he was.

“Let’s change your bag first and clean you up,” she said as she moved his wheelchair from the window.

Mrs. Dunphy washed his body. He felt the washcloth move across his face, the water cool on his skin…

She was texting!  It was raining hard and she was texting!  It was the last thing he saw before the blackness.  Then the rain woke him.  He could feel it pouring onto his face as he lay in the street in front of the car.  He saw the crowd around him and he heard the cries of the woman who had hit him.  Then another woman leaned over him with her umbrella to shield him from the rain.  He wanted to say ‘thank you’ but he couldn’t speak.  He lay there hearing the voices from the crowd, the roar of the rain against the woman’s umbrella and the cry of the woman who had hit him.  And now, it was moments like this, having Tye or Mrs. Dunphy, or a family member, or friends do small things like wipe his face that reminded him just how transient freedom can be.  Once-simple acts like removing a piece of lint from his eyebrow, or scratching his nose were now dependent upon others.

The months in the hospital were trying, but they would have been insufferable if Tye hadn’t been there.  He visited Cliff everyday after he got off from work.  He would bring things from home: clean clothes and toiletries; and he would update the audio books.  Then they would sit and talk, watch T.V. in his room until Cliff would tell him to go home and get some rest.  Some nights Tye would sleep over because he said he didn’t want to sleep alone in their bed.  The hospital staff understood and so did Cliff’s family.  It’s why they agreed that when Cliff was able to leave he should go home with the man who shared his life and to their home.

But at home Cliff felt even more helpless than when he was at the hospital.  At home he lay in bed or sat in his chair unable to do anything more than watch Tye work around the house.  Conversation to keep Tye company was about all he could do.  Sometimes at night, after Tye had put him to bed and had fallen asleep, Cliff would cry but he had learned to cry inside because he didn't want to wake Tye.  He knew if Tye awoke that Tye would also feel sad and he would have to wipe the snot from Cliff’s nose and the tears from his face.  It was something Cliff didn’t want.

Cliff and Mrs. Dunphy watched TV after they finished dinner.

It was Tye’s late night.  He usually had two a week.  Sometimes three.

“Ruthie’ll be taking care of you while I’m on vacation,” Mrs. Dunphy said.

“That’s good.  I like her.”

“Yeah.  She’s good.”

“You and Tony got everything ready for your trip?”

“Pretty much.”  Mrs. Dunphy flipped through a magazine and looked at the TV every few minutes.

“London is nice,” Cliff said.

“Hm.  Rains a bit too much for me, but he has family there.”  She continued reading the magazine.  They didn’t talk much about vacations since the one the four of them took two years before.

Two years ago Mrs. Dunphy and her husband, Tony invited them down to Antigua while Mrs. Dunphy checked on the family house her grandmother had left.

It was Cliff and Tye's first vacation since the accident.  Tye and Mrs. Dunphy had made arrangements for Cliff's comfort and the four of them headed down to the Caribbean.

Cliff had sat on the balcony of the hotel with Tye that first night there.  They had asked for a hammock to be set up and the two of them swayed together, relaxing under a large white moon that sat above the sea.  They talked and ate and sipped on drinks until they drifted off to sleep.

The next day they woke to a bright warm morning.  Tye got them ready and soon they were on a boat floating in the warm waters just off the shore of St. John.

Tye and Tony went snorkeling while Cliff and Mrs. Dunphy watched.  There were several people in the water being watched over by one of the instructors from the boat who darted in and out of the waves as if he had been born in the sea itself.  He moved among the tourists making sure they were okay.  He chatted and played with the tourists as he swam among them.  The naps on his head caught drops of water forming a small crown of jewels that set off his dark complexion.  He swam over to where Tony and Tye were and the three of them talked a bit before laughing and diving underwater.  Suddenly the instructor dunked beneath the waters once again, and this time he came up with a starfish in his hand.  He swam over to Tye and presented it to him.  Tye shook his head and thanked him, but the man urged him on, showing him how harmless it was to hold it.  Finally Tye took it from him and admired it and the two of them laughed at Tye's amazement.

"Get a shot of that," Cliff said.  "The look on Tye's face is priceless."

Mrs. Dunphy agreed and took the shot.  "Priceless," she seconded.

Later that afternoon Tony and Mrs. Dunphy dropped them back off at the hotel and made plans to meet for dinner.  She told them what time they would pick them up and they drove off, leaving Cliff and Tye to take a nap.

During the afternoon Cliff awoke and he turned his head to watch Tye sleeping beside him with his arm across Cliff’s waist.  He slept soundly with his face near Cliff’s, so close that Cliff could smell the sweetness of cane and coconut on his breath.  Quietly he leaned in and kissed Tye on the forehead.

The bar was crowded that evening.  Cliff and Tye sat at a table and watched Mrs. Dunphy and Tony with the others on the dance floor.  Tye leaned against Cliff’s chair and drummed his fingers to the rhythm of the music.

“Why don’t you get out there?”

“Nah, I’m cool,” Tye said.

“C’mon, you know how you love to dance.”

“Man, just hush.  I’m doing fine right here.”  He raised a drink to Cliff’s mouth.  “I’m just here to chill with my baby.”

The next day Tony and Mrs. Dunphy took them to see her grandmother’s house.  The house was small and brightly colored and sat along a shaded side street.

“And here is where I spent a lot of my summers,” Mrs. Dunphy said.

“Really nice,” Tye said.

“Looks comfortable, like a place I wouldn’t mind having, Babe,” Cliff said to Tye who nodded in agreement.

“Her brother’s returning today,” Tony said.  “He’s been watching the place.”

“He’s been doing a good job,” Tye said.

The sounds of women talking in front of the small houses and the children playing along the street rose in the warm shade.

“Frankly, I think he could be doing a better job,” Mrs. Dunphy replied.  They got out of the van and went inside where Mrs. Dunphy showed them around.  The rooms were small and cool, resting before the sun crossed over the roof of the house to warm them.

Mrs. Dunphy said her brother paid a cleaning woman to come in once a week.  She said if she had stayed on the island she would come in once a week herself to clean the house even if she had chosen not to live in it.

After they left the house Mrs. Dunphy and her husband took them on a tour of the city.  The congestion of traffic caused the van to trudge slowly through the streets.

“It’s always like this,” Tony said as he rested on the steering wheel.  They were at a stoplight.  “But then you expect it.  It’s all about the tourists.”

Their final stop was to be St. John’s Cathedral, but before going there they needed lunch.  Tony found a parking space and he and Tye got out and went into a store while Cliff and Mrs. Dunphy waited in the van.

When Tye and Tony came out of the store they were talking with another man.  Mrs. Dunphy saw him first and her stare pulled Cliff ‘s attention. It was the lifeguard from the boat.  Cliff watched them as they stood in front of the store and talked.  Finally, Tye waved good-bye as he and Tony came back to the van.

“That was the guy from the boat,” Tye said.

“I see,” Mrs. Dunphy replied.

Cliff didn’t say anything.  He silently watched the radiance in Tye’s face as Tye looked once more at the man.

Tony glanced at his wife in the mirror and pulled off.

In all they encountered the man two more times that week.  It might have been a third if Mrs. Dunphy hadn’t gone up to the man on the beach and spoken to him.  She had decided he was probably nothing more than someone out to hustle tourists and she wasn’t having it.

Once they were home, life settled as usual: Tye put all of his attention on Cliff; feeding him, changing his clothes and adjusting him so he sat upright in his chair.  But now Cliff watched Tye as he never had.  The glow of something anticipated was gone from Tye replaced by duty and commitment.  This is what Cliff saw in him.

One night, as he lay in bed, he watched as Tye undressed and lower himself onto the bed.  He heard an exhausted breath come from him as Tye finally relaxed after a long day.  Tye moved close to Cliff and cuddled him.

“Babe.”  Cliff spoke softly.

“Hm?”

“I’m ready to make some changes.”

“Let’s not have that conversation again.” Tye spoke, mumbling against Cliff’s face.

“Not that one.  I know you don’t want me in a nursing home.”

“What is it, then?”

“You need to start taking more time out for yourself.”  He listened for Tye’s response, but there was none.  “I want you to start going out more like you used to.”

Tye sighed.  “No.”

“I’ll be okay.  We can see if Mrs. Dunphy would be willing to spend a little more time with me.  And if not, we can get someone part-time, you know, for when you need to go out.”

“A babysitter,” Tye mumbled as he shook his head.  “Cliff, you don’t need anyone to watch over you.  Only when I’m at work.  And Mrs. Dunphy is already doing that.”

“But you need more,” Cliff said.  “You know you do, and so do I.  And I’m pretty sure Mrs. Dunphy sees that.  You need to go out and enjoy yourself.”

Tye rolled over on his back and stared at the ceiling in silence.

“I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be around,” Cliff started.

“Stop it,” Tye said.

“We need to be honest.  It might one year--”

“Or twenty,” Tye interjected.

“Or twenty,” Cliff agreed.  “And that’s why you need to take care of yourself as well.  You need to live life.”  Cliff turned his head to him. “You know you do.  And I want that for you, too.  Tye, I want you to be happy.”

“Man, you always say that.  Damn.  How happy do you want me to be?  I am happy.  I mean… how happy am I supposed to be?”

“Like when you were with the guy in Antigua.”

“What?”

“I saw how you were whenever you were near him.”

“C’mon, we can’t afford you getting on some self-pitying trip.  Go to sleep.  You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes I do… And you do, too.  Tye, I understand.  I’ve been thinking about it ever since we’ve been back and I look at you.  The way you looked when you were with him was the way you used to look when we were out together.”

“I’m going to sleep,” Tye said.  “If you need me to get you something to help you sleep, cool.  If not, just lie there and be quiet.”  Tye turned his back to him and went to sleep.

The next morning they were in the kitchen.  Tye prepared Cliff’s medicines for the day.  The sunlight coming through the window caught the line of small bottles on the counter.  The radio that sat nearby played the morning news as Tye moved along the row of meds, removing tops off the bottles and taking out the pills before covering the bottles once again, creating a snapping sound with each effort.  He did it all in silence as if something was on his mind.

“I want you to start seeing other people.”  Cliff spoke up, his voice moving over the news anchor’s voice on the radio.  He saw Tye slow a bit in what he was doing.  “I thought about it and I just want you to know I’m fine with it.  Promise me though,” he continued.  “Promise me you won’t stop loving me.”

Tye leaned forward on the counter, his back still to his husband, and Cliff could see his shoulders heave as he began to cry.  Tye turned around.  “I won’t ever do that.”  Then he pulled up a chair and sat in front of Cliff and laid his head in Cliff’s lap and cried.

It was difficult the first time it happened.  Tye had told him he would be home late that night.  He looked at Cliff to make his point.  Cliff understood.

The rest of that day Cliff listened to Mrs. Dunphy and watched her move around the house.  He watched TV and listened to the stereo, but his thoughts kept going to Tye and what was about to happen.  He didn’t want to imagine Tye naked with another man, so every time that image came to his head he moved it aside.  Yet his thoughts would always come back to Tye and the other man.  He wondered who the man was.  What was his name and how did he look?  Was he of average height and build, like he, himself, once was?  He had gotten smaller in the frame since he’d taken to the wheelchair.  Was the man light skinned or dark skinned or just average brown skinned like himself?  Tye never seemed to have too much of a preference when it came to that.

All he knew was Tye had told him he had met a friend, and that was all.  No name, nothing.  Not even what the man did for a living or where he lived.  But Cliff understood.  He really didn’t want to know.  He wanted to know as little about the man as possible.

That first night after he came home and they had gone to bed Tye held onto Cliff, but not like he usually did; that was cuddling.  But that night he clung to him, tight.

There had been no rules discussed because the rules had been set by love and respect so nothing was ever said about the man since Tye had announced him as a friend, and every late night Tye came home at the same time.

One of the shows on TV had gone off and Mrs. Dunphy asked what he would like to see next.  She understood the late nights and did all she could to ease Cliff’s mind.

“Doesn’t matter,” he answered.

Around ten o’clock, Mrs. Dunphy looked at her watch.  “We’d better start getting you ready for bed,” she said.  It was almost time for Tye to come in; he always made sure he was home by ten, and she knew he would rather have Cliff prepared for bed so they could relax before falling off to sleep.

When Tye came home he sat for a bit and talked with Cliff and Mrs. Dunphy before her husband came to pick her up.  They had a drink together (although Tye had had one or two already) and Tye walked Mrs. Dunphy out to the car, stood for a minute and chatted with Tony and came back inside.

“They really want us to go to London with them,” he said.  “What do you think?”

“Sounds good to me.  You know I can use some travel time,” Cliff said as Tye lifted him from his chair and laid him in bed.

“Yep.”

“Maybe we can take a train over to Paris.”

“You know how to speak French?” Tye asked as he walked to his side of the bed and began to undress.

“Yeah.  Well, a little.”

“I guess that should be enough to get by,” Tye said as he climbed in bed.  “Then we should start planning our trip, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Tye cuddled Cliff and stroked his hair.  “It’s time for you to get a haircut,” he said sleepily.

“Yeah, I know.  And we need some more Vetiver.”

“More Vetiver,” Tye agreed. 

(2011, by Doug Cooper Spencer)